“My first wife was a great housekeeper. She kept both houses.”

“You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.”

“She is my first and only love. Most people know that their first love will not be their only love. But for me, she is both.”

“In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

“When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"… And she's the wrong one.”

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”

“Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.”

“The overseer should be responsible for the duties of the housekeeper. If the master has given her to you for a wife, you should be satisfied with her, and she should respect you. Require that she be not given to wasteful habits; that she does not gossip with the neighbours and other women. She should not receive visitors either in the kitchen or in her own quarters. She should not go out to parties, nor should she gad about.”

“What second love could she [Olympias] make out of her ruined first love? The second love that most women make out of their first love for husbands grows from a mutual and tacit sadness in both husband and wife that he is only in rare moments the man both would like him to be.”

“I kept looking [at wife Katie Holmes] and thinking, 'This woman's amazing.' I'm happy that I'm with her. She's amazing, and I'd think the same of her even if she wasn't with me -- she's just amazing.”