“Yet you would not drive a car with your mouth unless you are my mother-in-law.”

Source: The Circle

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Source: The Golden Lily

Individual Liberty (1926), Passive Resistance
Context: It is not wise warfare to throw your ammunition to the enemy unless you throw it from the cannon's mouth. But if you can compel the enemy to waste his ammunition by drawing his fire on some thoroughly protected spot; if you can, by annoying and goading and harassing him in all possible ways, drive him to the last resort of stripping bare his tyrannous and invasive purposes and put him in the attitude of a designing villain assailing honest men for purposes of plunder; there is no better strategy.

Carlin on Campus (1984)

On his writing style
Interview in Writers at Work (1988)
Variant: Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
Source: Writers At Work: The Paris Review Interviews

Source: Acheron

My daddy, His Highness, the Maharaja of Mysore