Tucker Max Quotes (26 quotes) | Quotes of famous people

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Assholes Finish First

Tucker Max

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Tucker Max

Tucker Max: 26 quotes 1 like

Famous Tucker Max Quotes

“Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.”

Tucker Max I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Source: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”

Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First

Source: Assholes Finish First

“Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.”

Tucker Max

“I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?”

Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First

Source: Assholes Finish First

“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”

Tucker Max I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Source: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”

Tucker Max I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

The Tucker Max Stories
Source: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
Context: Tucker: Are you married?
Girl: Yes.
Tucker: How good is the marriage?
Girl: Very good.
Tucker: So there is no chance of us hooking up?
Girl: No.
Tucker: Well, do you have any hot friends who aren't fucking prudes? Hey--where are you going? I was only kidding! I respect the sanctity of the monogamous relationship! WHORE!
Context: Tucker: Do you hate the World Bank?
Girl: Uhh, umm, well, I mean, yeah, I feel that...
Tucker: You don't hate the World Bank.
Girl: I don't?
Tucker: No. You're mad at your father. You just want daddy to hug you more.
Girl: What?
Tucker: You were a sociology major weren't you?
Girl: NO!
Tucker: What was your major?
Girl: [Pauses] Uhhh, English Literature.
Tucker: [Pause--to give her a look of contempt] Did your parents send you a bill for college? How are those Marxist Literary Critique classes working out for you? You work at Barnes and Noble don't you?
Girl: NO--I wor--
Tucker: Shouldn't you be blocking an intersection right now? How many anti-sweatshop petitions have you signed--EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE REEBOKS ON. Very-anti globalization to wear those with your animal tested Clinque make-up made in Nepal. Well, at least you're consistent in your shameless hypocrisy.
Girl: What a fascist piece of shi--
Tucker: You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.
Girl: [A mishmash of stammered half insults]
Tucker: Seriously--If I stuck my dick in your mouth would that shut you up?
Girl: Wha... YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!
Tucker: HEY--Don't blame me for the wound in your crotch. [As I walk off] By the way, you owe us a rib.

Tucker Max Quotes about people

“If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.”

Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First

Source: Assholes Finish First

“The biggest thing I learned was, especially the way I operate and how I am as a person, if I'm going to do a creative endeavor, I need to have full, complete control. Top to bottom. And with my book and website, I always had that. With the website, definitely, with the book, basically, with the movie…I didn't in a lot of ways. Nils and I, we had a lot of control, more control probably than almost any first time movie makers do within a normal studio system. We were in the middle between independent and not, because someone else paid for everything, and they kind of let us do what we wanted, but then once the movie was done creatively, it went in a direction that I did not want it to go, and there was nothing I could really do about it. It's hard enough to swim in that movie current by yourself, but when you've got weights tied to you and someone pulling you in a different direction, it's almost impossible. You need to pick a direction and go with it. If you're going to be a big studio movie, go be that, and if you're going to go be a rogue independent film, go be that. We had different people with different levels of authority on the movie that pulled us in different directions, and it just doesn't work. Either be in control or let someone else do it, but don't…too many chefs. I'm going to be better next time. Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you, unless you're just bad at it.”

Tucker Max

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC6zdVKoNr8 (March 2010).

“I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.”

Tucker Max

Tucker goes to hockey game, causes trouble http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/tucker_goes_to_hockey_game_causes_trouble.phtml#279,
The Tucker Max Stories

Tucker Max Quotes

“… the devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for…”

Tucker Max book Assholes Finish First

Source: Assholes Finish First

“Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?”

Tucker Max

The Absinthe Donuts Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_absinthe_donuts_story.phtml#280,
The Tucker Max Stories

“EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that..”

Tucker Max

The Tucker Max Stories

“Great Holy Jesus--it looks like he fell into Kentucky Fried Movie.”

Tucker Max

The Austin Road Trip http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_austin_road_trip.phtml#281,
The Tucker Max Stories

“We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating.”

Tucker Max

The Absinthe Donuts Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_absinthe_donuts_story.phtml#280,
The Tucker Max Stories

“I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.”

Tucker Max

The Absinthe Donuts Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_absinthe_donuts_story.phtml#280,
The Tucker Max Stories

World

“…and that we were now those guys…who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.”

Tucker Max

Nantucket Sucks http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/nantucket_sucks.phtml#675,
The Tucker Max Stories

Books , Guy , Fight

“Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs.”

Tucker Max

Action Figures http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=126574&postcount=22,
The Tucker Max Stories

Smile

“Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?”

Tucker Max

The Midget Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_midget_story.phtml,
The Tucker Max Stories

“Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee?
Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation.
Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee?
[The man and his wife are silent and confused. ]
Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!”

Tucker Max

The Midget Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_midget_story.phtml,
The Tucker Max Stories

Guy , Home

“I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose.”

Tucker Max

My 21st Birthday http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/my_21st_birthday.phtml#612,
The Tucker Max Stories

Idea , Drink , Water

“9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.”

Tucker Max

The Absinthe Donuts Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_absinthe_donuts_story.phtml#280,
The Tucker Max Stories

“You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.”

Tucker Max

The Absinthe Donuts Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_absinthe_donuts_story.phtml#280,
The Tucker Max Stories

Death , Cats , Night

“Yinzer: DAMN!! I wish I had your balls!
Tucker:"I wish you had a breath mint, but I guess we don't always get what we wish for.”

Tucker Max

The Tattoo Story http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_tattoo_story.phtml#997,
The Tucker Max Stories

“Every girl asked me, "What makes you god's gift to women?" Some answers:
13 inches. Who ever thought it could be too big?
I have 20 million dollars and terminal cancer.
I like to listen.
I'm a convicted sex offender.
Have you seen this face? Look at how hot I am!
I like to cut up hookers.
Bend over and I'll show you.”

Tucker Max

The Tucker Max Stories

Women , God , Sex , Girl

“I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom.”

Tucker Max

The Austin Road Trip http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/the_austin_road_trip.phtml#281,
The Tucker Max Stories

Decision , Making love , Hope , Freedom

“Nose full of fart, mouth full of cock, she never even paused.”

Tucker Max

Girl almost beats Tucker at his own game http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/date/girl_almost_beats_tucker_at_his_own_game.phtml#611,
The Tucker Max Stories