Mark Twain Quotes

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637 Wit, Wisdom, and Humor to Inspire and Entertain

“To do good is noble. To tell others to do good is even nobler and much less trouble.”

“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.”

“What is the difference between a taxidermist & a tax-collector? The taxidermist only takes your skin.”

“There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.”

“I can last two months on a good compliment.”

“A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.”

“Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”

“I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.”

“If books are not good company, where shall I find it?”

“I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.”

“There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer them, or turn them into literature.”

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time.”

“When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.”

“Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.”

“Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion.”

“I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”

“Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.”

“New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.”

“If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.”

“Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.”

“It's not what you don't know that kills you, it's what you know for sure that ain't true.”

“Every person is a book, each year a chapter”

“Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.”

“Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.”

“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

“The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible.”

“H'aint we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?”

“Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.”

“Ah, if he could only die temporarily!”

“High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water; but everybody likes water.”

“If man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.”

“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”

“Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.”

“The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.”

“You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.”

“She was not quite what you would call refined.
She was not quite what you would call unrefined.
She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”

“She remained both girl and woman to the last day of her life. Under a grave and gentle exterior burned inextinguishable fires of sympathy, energy, devotion, enthusiasm, and absolutely limitless affection.”

“Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.”

“A few fly bites cannot stop a spirited horse.”

“Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.”

“He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.”

“Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world — and never will.”

“Just when I thought I was learning how to live, 'twas then I realized I was learning how to die.”

“Use the right word, not its second cousin.”

“They did not know it was impossible so they did it”

“Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.”

“It is better to be alone than unwelcome. - Eve”

“All I care to know about a man is that he is a human being… he can't be any worse.”

“Let us not be too particular. It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.”