Karl Pilkington: Going

“I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book”

“On dopplegangers - No because only it would only get me into trouble won't it? Because people won't believe there's another one like me. Otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing, they go Oh it wasn't me it was me doppleganger.”

“[Ricky asks what else he would do with the power of invisibility]Dunno, you could sort of go in shops when they're shut, just get in before they lock up.”

“Say if I was in charge and someone said that buildin' needs knockin' down, it's dangerous, if we didn't have a calendar we'd go 'erm let's do it now then.' Whereas cos we've got a calendar it's easy to say…'next Wednesday”

“Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless…. Chinese fella. I've never seen one of them.”

“By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.”

“You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go alright? Hows it going?. You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out.”

“We came from the sea originally, now we're going back in it. Don't go in it, unless you're in a boat.”

“At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?”

“At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.”

“I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it… Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.”

“It's not going to change the world. But neither did the egg-cup.”

“This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it”

“Fella comes walking toward me. Only got no pants on. So I said, ‘Suzanne, what's going on?”

“Why is it alright to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out.”

“Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday — what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.”

“The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.”

“I think it's clever how Rome have kept a load of old stuff. There's no overheads, yet people are going over there to see it.”

“Well, you took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no-one else would probably wanna go with you.”