Jack Handey Quotes

Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Although many people assume otherwise, Handey is a real person, not a pen name or character. Wikipedia

✵ 25. February 1949

Jack Handey: 9 quotes 20 likes

Famous Jack Handey Quotes

“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.”

Jack Handey

Saturday Night Live (1993)

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.”

Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6

“IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.”

Jack Handey

Deeper Thoughts : All New, All Crispy (1993), Hachette Books, ISBN 1-56282-840-1

“I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.”

Jack Handey

Fuzzy Memories (1996), Andrews McMeel Publishing, ISBN 0-8362-1040-9

“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.”

Jack Handey

Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993)
Context: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

“Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.”

Jack Handey

Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993)

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992), Berkley Books, ISBN 0-425-13365-6

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."”

Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts (1992)

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