1. Quotes
  2. Authors
  3. Bill Engvall

Bill Engvall Quotes
page 2

William Ray Engvall Jr. is an American comedian and actor best known for his work as a stand-up comic, his signature "Here's Your Sign" bit, and as a member of the Blue Collar Comedy group. Wikipedia  

✵ 27. July 1957
Bill Engvall photo
Bill Engvall: 71 quotes2 likes

Bill Engvall Quotes

“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?
Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

“[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

“[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]
(A) I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm…." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.
Larry: Damn, that rock's old.
Bill: No, that's not its age, dumbass. That's how much it weighs. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

“[while snow-skiing with his family]
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

“Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)
Here's Your Sign

“[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

“[during a bit about dogs]
That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)

“[about his son Travis]”

Bill Engvall

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

“on holiday in Hawaii”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

“I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to jump.”

Bill Engvall

about trampolines
Source: Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For the Road (2006)