Bill Allred Quotes

“They're 'fun bags' not 'feed bags!”

“Thanks, Tonto, for your help.”

“Hey, Dad, I'm going to reassemble this magpie carcass.”

“I'm not a bottom poker and I never have been.”

“I always thought Steve Guttenberg had crabs.”

“You clutched my personal hair and ripped it out by the roots.”

“Jesus is a place-kicker and he's gonna kick you through the goal-posts of life.”

“I used to wear food briefs. They were crumby.”

“What do you mean I can’t sleep with this hooker in the basement?”

“I always say, "Don't let your meat loaf."”

“You treat your food like a scab.”

“They might have been all up in your pregnancy!”

“You’re large but not in charge.”

“I can't run naked; I'm always tripping.”

“I don't believe the government has a knobby.”

“I'm telling you, if there were balls to be held, I held them.”

“The 'jugastuff' had a baby this spring.”

“You know who Carrot-Top should be married to in a movie? Gallagher.”

“Prince Albert can't keep it in the can.”

“I let the baby drink the butter.”

“Tell me that Billy Joe Armstrong doesn’t look like a fruit.”

“I'm afraid of passing out in the pit.”

“They're from the guy who snipped my nuts.”

“He's living 'La Vida Wee-Wee.”

“This baby will be born with a drinking problem.”

“Barbaro dog food is dog-gone good.”

“Apparently they have The Clap at The Planetarium.”

“I'm Bill Allred, Painter of Light.”

“I hope that holds the little bastards.”

“It's not easy being a bivalve in today's modern world.”

“My gaydar has gone haywire.”

“I don't care. I'm Mr. Buttons.”

“You can't trust midgets, particularly gay-loving midgets.”

“If I'm gonna poke something into it, it's not going to be my finger.”

“Life is like a bowl of old bread.”

“It's folks what juggle fire.”

“Is that about farting zombies?”

“Billy Dee Williams once had a one-night stand with Neil Simon.”

“Don't you know who I am!? I'm Chetwar Balabafoo!”

“You had your thumb up your butt and your mind was in Arizona”

“I used to eat Gina's curd.”

“She was no breath freshener, I can tell you that right now.”

“I'm telling you, some of them gizzards are good!”

“We used to make condoms out of snow tires.”

“How long are you supposed to leave your Karl Malone tree up?”

“Her and her colostomy bag look forward to spending the holidays together.”

“Hey, would you like a date? I have a hammer!?”

“I wasn't prepared for what Dora was explorin.”

“Radio From Hell: A great alternative to toilet paper.”

“It's only due to modern technology that you can be as pleasingly plump as you are.”

“Look at the size of that earlobe.”

“I've got a woolly worm for ya!”

“There is no way you could sit down more than you do.”

“Let's go stomp those weirdies for Jesus!”

“I could do that if they were on my butt-cheeks.”

“Since my mother shaved her Hitler mustache, we look nothing alike.”