Quotes from book
The Austere Academy

Daniel Handler

The Austere Academy is the fifth novel in the children's novel series A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket Kidnapping!, but the release was canceled for unknown reasons. The Baudelaire orphans are sent to a boarding school, overseen by monstrous employees. There, the orphans meet new friends, new enemies, and Count Olaf in disguises.

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“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make--bombs for instance, or strawberry shortcake--if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it has floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you'd made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“Truth be told, within the chapters that make up this dreadful story, the children will face snapping crabs, strict punishments, dripping fungus, comprehensive exams, violin recitals, S. O. R. E., and the metric system.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“With all due respect”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“Klaus: Maybe I don't know what "cakesniffer" means, but I think I can translate our new school's motto… If I'm not mistaken, "Memento Mori" means "Remember you will die."”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“Shyness is a very curious thing, because, like quicksand, it can strike people are any time, and also, like quicksand, it usually makes its victims look down.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“Get out of my way, you cakesniffers! -Carmelita Spats”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“For Beatrice--You will always be in my heart, in my mind, and in your grave. -Lemony Snicket”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“The expression "Making a mountain out of a molehill" simply means making a big deal out of something that is actually a small deal, and it is easy to see how this expression came about. Molehills are simply mounds of earth serving as condominiums for moles, and they have never caused anyone harm except for maybe a stubbed toe if you were walking around the wilderness without any shoes on. Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems. They are very tall, and when people try to climb them they often fall off, or get lost and die of starvation. Sometimes, two countries fight over who really owns a mountain, and thousands of people have to go to war and come home grumpy or wounded. And, of course, mountains serve as homes to mountain goats and mountain lions, who enjoy attacking helpless picnickers and eating sandwiches or children. So when someone is making a mountain out of a molehill, they are pretending that something is as horrible as a war or a ruined picnic when it is really only as horrible as a stubbed toe.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“If you are looking for a story about cheerful youngsters spending a jolly time at boarding school, look elsewhere. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are intelligent and resourceful children, and you might expect that they would do very well at school. Don't. For the Baudelaires, school turns out to be another miserable episode in their unlucky lives.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

Daniel Handler photo

“It is my solemn duty to stay up all night researching and writing the history of these three hapless youngsters, but you may be more comfortable getting a good night's sleep. In that case, you should probably choose some other book.”

Daniel Handler book The Austere Academy

The Austere Academy (2000)

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