Quotes from work

Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians

“If you don't believe what I'm telling you, then ask yourself this: would any decent, kind-hearted individual become a writer? Of course not.”

“People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort.”

“If you are anything like me --- Clever, fond of goat cheese, and devilishly handsome --- then you have undoubtedly read many books.”

“Sometimes it was daunting, knowing how easily I could break things. This one simple curse seemed to dominate my entire life.”

“Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a 'fantasy' novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense.

Rutabaga.”

“I froze, shocked. (And don't try to claim that you did anything different the first time a government bureaucrat pulled a gun on you.)”

“Authors write books for one, and only one, reason: because we like to torture people.”

“Now, I had been frightened on several different occasions in my life. The most frightening of these involved an elevator and a mime.”

“I am a fish.”

“So, there I was, tied to an altar made from outdated encyclopedias, about to get sacrificed to the dark powers by a cult of evil Librarians.”

“They are presented attractively for the same reason that kittens are cute - so that they can draw you in, then pounce on you for the kill.

Seriously. Stay away from kittens.”