“What?" Simon looked alarmed. "I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age.”

“Meanwhile," Simon added, "I wanted to tell you that lately I've been cross-dressing. Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know.”

“Well, you know, your mom gets like this sometimes," Simon said. "Like when she breathes in or out.”

“Aren’t you a little old for your mom to be picking out your clothes for you? Really? Shopping at the Children’s Place at your age? I’m sure there’s some third-grader dying to know who bought the last navy I-sore shirt. (Nekoda)”

“That wasn't your mom in you—that was your
dad.”

“Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.”

“The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress.”

“I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.”

“I bet you never thought the hardest part of finding your ‘saviorʹ would be getting her mom to let her stay out past curfew.”

“Your mom is a rainbow goddess?"
"You got a problem with that?"
"No, no. Rainbows. Very macho.”