“When a man says, "Get out of my house! what would you have with my wife?"”

“Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house…and take that fucking bulldozer with you.”

“You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!"”

“In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

“If your wife locks you out of the house, you don't have a problem with your door.”

“Leo Byzantius said, "What would you do, if you saw my wife, who scarce reaches up to my knees?… Yet," went he on, "as little as we are, when we fall out with each other, the city of Byzantium is not big enough to hold us."”

“The game is giant, but my marriage is even bigger. I love my wife, and you will hear me say to others, “We might have to get rid of Laura, maybe,” but there is no way I would ever write my wife's name down--I don't see it. I already told Laura, “If you have to, because I know I'm gonna be a lot bigger target than you,” if Laura has to write my name down, it's more than fine, it's more than fine.”

“You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.”

“My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. The baby’s almost two. My wife says that the baby wants the dog.
My wife has been wanting a dog for a long time. I have had to be the one to tell her that she couldn’t have one. But now the baby wants a dog, my wife says. This may be true. The baby is very close to my wife. They go around together all the time, clutching each other tightly. I ask the baby, who is a girl, “Whose girl are you? Are you Daddy’s girl?” The baby says, “Momma,” and she doesn’t just say it once, she says it repeatedly, “Momma momma momma.””

“When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.”