“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time; it's detachable.”

“Our passion is our strength.
I dreamed that I pissed in my suitcase one time, I woke up in the morning and uh I had urine inside my suitcase.”

“Woke up this morning afraid I was gonna live.”

“Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read.”

“I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."”

“I was so happy every morning when I woke up that I was pissing smiley faces.”

“I woke up this morning and fell out of bed;
Trouble waiting to happen.
Should've quit while I was ahead;
Trouble waiting to happen.
I turned on the news to the Third World War,
Opened up the paper to World War IV.
Just when I thought it was safe to be bored,
Trouble waiting to happen.”

“I had an inspiration once. I woke up one morning and I knew that it was my task to swallow fifty asprin. It was my task:my job for the day.-17 Girl Interrupted”

“I was going to kill someone today. I just wasn’t sure who when I woke up this morning. I do love mornings. So full of possibilities.”

“If I woke up tomorrow morning and it was just a dream, it would be the best dream I've ever had, and I would be ― I would not be happy to be waking up!”