“You have to be! (Laughs) You might get shot!”

“A rule of thumb with humor; if you worry that you might be going too far, you have already not gone far enough. If everybody laughs, you have failed.”

“When you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

“I really am impressed that you have been shot so often. Really.”
“Getting hit’s not really that impressive,” Wayne noted. “It don’t take much skill to get shot. It’sthe bullets that’s tough.”

“If your going to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.”

“They signed the unwind order just to spite each other, but laugh, laugh, laugh, Hayden, because if you ever stop laughing, it might just tear you apart worse than a Chop Shop.”

“Anytime you have to threaten people to get them to laugh at your joke you have to consider it less than successful, okay?”

“Keep working. Keep trying. Keep believing. You still might not make it, but at least you gave it your best shot. If you don’t have calluses on your soul, this isn’t for you. Take up knitting instead.”

“They're professionals at this in Russia, so no matter how many Jell-O shots or Jager shooters you might have downed at college mixers, no matter how good a drinker you might think you are, don't forget that the Russians - any Russian - can drink you under the table.”

“If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.”