“God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top.”

“Knowledge is like the carrot, few know by looking at the green top that the best part, the orange part, is there. Like the carrot, if you don't work for it, it will wither away and rot. And finally, like the carrot, there are a great many donkeys and jackasses that are associated with it.”

“You ask “What is life?” That is the same as asking “What is a carrot?” A carrot is a carrot and we know nothing more.”

“[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.”

“Hello, I'm Shellie's new boyfriend and I'm out of my mind.
If you so much as talk to her or even think her name, I'll cut you in ways that'll make you useless to a woman.”

“If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic.”

“You think I'm gonna feel better eatin' a carrot? Get a grip. There's two idiots out there trying to kill me, and you think I'm gonna waste my last breath on a vegetable? (Lula)”

“Big money for the grill, so I'm never cheap talking.”

“I'm not a big guy. I'm not a menacing guy. I'm not an intimidating guy. I may look that way, but just spend two seconds talking to me, and you know that's not who I am - not as a person, as a character. It's not who I intend to be.”

“How're the Broncos doing?"
"Like a bunch of carrots."
"Is that bad?"
"Can carrots play baseball?"
"I guess not."
"Then you have your answer.”