“You know who Carrot-Top should be married to in a movie? Gallagher.”

“God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top.”

“You ask “What is life?” That is the same as asking “What is a carrot?” A carrot is a carrot and we know nothing more.”

“[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.”

“Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.”

“I do not know anyone who has gotten to the top without hard work. That is the recipe. It will not always get you to the top, but it will get you pretty near.”

“I know up on top you are seeing great sights,
But down here on the bottom,
We too should have rights.”

“How're the Broncos doing?"
"Like a bunch of carrots."
"Is that bad?"
"Can carrots play baseball?"
"I guess not."
"Then you have your answer.”

“A lot of people who are in the movie business don't really know much about movies, and they certainly don't know movie history. You have to even find a code when you're talking to these people—you can't use the references that you would use when talking to somebody who knows movie history. When you go in to pitch something, it depends what you invoke. You can't invoke anything really before 1980 with these people because they don't know what you're talking about. It's limiting. They get annoyed. They get offended that you are somehow trying to expose the fact that they don't know things, and make them feel inadequate. Which is of course not the point, or why you do it.”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”