“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“Mostly you meet friends when traveling by accident, like by sitting next to them on the train, or in a restaurant, or in a holding cell.”

“I'm a substitute mom."
"You're more like a crazy aunt who only gets called when somebody needs bailing out of jail.”

“Put your arm around the buddy next to you. And if you don't have any friends, I'll be your best friend in the whole world.”

“You find out who your real friends are when you're involved in a scandal.”

“Get jailed, jump bail
Join the army, if you fail”

“If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [gay voice] Say hello to my little friend.”

“Did you ever have a conversation with someone who misunderstood everything you had to say? It's exhausting, and the ironic part is that the more you try and explain yourself, the more mixed up things become. Your best friend knows when you're kidding, venting, and tired. He or she knows you and therefore doesn't read into the things you say.”

“You are not very good if you are not better than your best friends imagine you to be.”

“It's really fun and just to be with a friend while you're working really hard. It can sometimes be really stressful. Also it's just fun to have someone to laugh with and have a good time with.”