“Don't be bitter. Remember Lot's wife when they kill me, and they surely will. You have to use all of your energy to do what it is you have to do. [To his wife Betty Shabazz]”

“(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars!"”

“It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."”

“Do not let your bachelor ways crystallize so that you can’t soften them when you come to have a wife and a family of your own.”

“It is astonishing what you can do when you have a lot of energy, ambition and plenty of ignorance.”

“If your wife locks you out of the house, you don't have a problem with your door.”

“Work the work which the gods ordained for men, lest in bitter anguish of spirit you with your wife and children seek your livelihood amongst your neighbours, and they do not heed you.”

“I like the War. It is only War that gives us a normal existence. What do you do in peace-time? You stay at home; you don't know what to do with your time; you argue with your parents, and your wife - if you have one. Everyone thinks you are an insufferable egotist - and so you are. The War comes; you only go home every five or six months. You are a hero, and, what women appreciate much more, you are a change. You know stories that have never been published. You've seen strange men and terrible things. Your father, instead of telling his friends that you are embittering the end of his life, introduces you to them as an oracle. These old men consult you on foreign politics. I you are married, your wife is prettier than ever; if you are not, all the girls lay siege to you.”

“Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.”

“If you can't sleep with your own wife wearing a false beard, what can you do?”