“How old are you?” – Nick
“That many zeros and you just get tired of counting.” – Caleb”

“We’ve got to get these guys to Bubba’s. Anyone got a clue how to do it? (Nick)
They gotta be breathing? (Simi)
Yes. (Nick and Caleb)
Well, pooh. That just takes all the fun out of it. (Simi)”

“That which doesn’t kill us just requires a few centuries of therapy. (Caleb)
Yeah, and usually a lot of Tylenol. (Nick)”

“Glad to see you’re still breathing.” – Caleb
“Glad to be breathing.” – Nick”

“One of you guys is going to have to feed the vampiric lawyer some blood and it can’t be me. (Caleb)
Why? You afraid of a little bite?
I’m anemic. (Nick)
And I’m Catholic. Doesn’t that knock me out of the running? (Nick)”

“O love, how did you get here?

--Nick and the Candlestick”

“One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.”

“You want something to drink?” – Nick
“Human blood would be fabulous. But since I doubt you’re donating, let me suffer for a minute longer.” – Caleb”

“Many of the things you can count, don't count. Many of the things you can't count, really count.”

“"Jolly old St. Nick!*" (Nick Swisher and Nick Johnson)”