“Kurtz: So you don't, you're not confusing yourself with a quote, "real journalist"?
Stewart: No. You guys are—
Kurtz: You're just making fun—
Stewart: You guys are confusing yourselves with real journalists.”

“Most of the bad guys in the real world don't know that they are bad guys. You don't get a flashing warning sign that you're about to damn yourself. It sneaks up on you when you aren't looking.”

“Most guys will fight to know you. Some guys will deny you're a real person, and some will just ignore you."
The zealot. The atheist. The agnostic.”

“You can't speak, you can't sleep,
You daren't move, you're confused.
You never talk, you can't walk
You can't feel, you're not real…”

“Jon Stewart: And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.
Paul Begala: We have noticed.
Stewart: And I wanted to — I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't — it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America.
Tucker Carlson: But in its defense —
Stewart: But I wanted to come here today and say — Here's just what I wanted to tell you guys:
Carlson: Yes.
Stewart: Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop hurting America.”

“So tell me, Mr. Science Journalist, do you still doubt the existence of miracles?""

""I just tole you. You're my miracle.”

“You need somebody to stand up for you. You're the little guy, you just don't realize it yet. The Commonwealth has all the aces, and you don't even know you're playing cards.”

“America is a country with a First Amendment, and you're allowed to publish just about anything you want, as long as it's not real secret information. Of course, nobody really does that except for, you know, you guys in the media.”

“You only like guys you don't have a chance with, because you're scared.”

“Aren't fairy godmothers supposed to be nice and make you feel better about yourself?

… No, you're confusing fairy godmothers with sales clerks.”