“There's vomit on his sweater already — Mom's spaghetti.”

“Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?”

“Eddie Spaghetti!”

“Put on a sweater.”

“I cannot imagine any boy of spirit who would not be delighted to play a drunkard — even to vomiting — in front of his Sunday school. Indeed, the vomiting might be the chief attraction of the role.”

“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”

“Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one.”

“[to his phone] "Shaddup!" [groaning, then laughing] "… It's my mom!"”

“A guy who treats his mom well, treats his wife well.”

“Cause when love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi Mom!”