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“He is the cheese to my macaroni.”

“Gas Attendant: "Thata ain't no etch-a-sketch. Thats one doodle that can't be un-did home skillet.”

“When you're in a competitive environment, always give out the impression that you don't care. It makes people want you more. If you act desperate, it's over. I think a passive attitude is helpful. It comes naturally because I'm lazy.”

“Shoulda gone to China. They give away babies like free iPods. They put them in guns and shoot them out at sporting events.”

“Juno MacGuff: I don't know what kind of girl I am.”

“Vodka Redbull: Upper meets downer in an effervescent hybrid of bubble gum and junkie piss”

“Bren MacGuff: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream…”

“Love is mysterious and rad, like Steve Perry from Journey”

“Juno MacGuff: I was out handling things way beyond my maturity level.”

“Juno MacGuff: "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings worse than your abandonment.”