Daniel Handler cytaty

strona 6

„Jeśli szukacie opowieści ze szczęśliwym zakończeniem, poczytajcie sobie lepiej coś innego. Ta książka nie tylko nie kończy się szczęśliwie, ale nawet szczęśliwie się nie zaczyna, a w środku też nie układa się za wesoło.”

„(…) smutna prawda polega na tym, że kiedy komuś umrze bliska osoba, znajomi często zaczynają tego kogoś unikać, chociaż akurat w takich chwilach obecność przyjaciół jest najbardziej potrzebna.”

„Na świecie jest bardzo, bardzo wiele rodzajów książek – i całkiem słusznie, gdyż na świecie żyje bardzo, bardzo wiele rodzajów ludzi i każdy lubi czytać coś innego.”

„Bohaterem tej bajeczki jest mały męczydusza, który krzyczy: „Wilk! Wilk!”, chociaż wilka wcale nie ma w pobliżu, i za każdym razem łatwowierni wieśniacy pędzą mu na pomoc, aby przekonać się, że to był tylko żart. Ale raz chłopczyk krzyknął: „Wilk! Wilk!” wcale nie dla żartu tylko, że nikt mu już nie przybiegł na pomoc. Wilk zjadł dowcipnisia, i na tym, Bogu dzięki, bajeczka się kończy.
Morał z niej płynie oczywisty: „Nie osiedlaj się tam, gdzie wilki hasają na wolności” – chociaż ten, kto wam czytał tę bajeczkę, na pewno twierdził, że jej morał brzmi: nie kłam, bo pożałujesz.”

„Czasem wystarczy powiedzieć głośno, że się czegoś nienawidzi, i usłyszeć, że ktoś się z nami zgadza, aby poczuć się lepiej nawet w najgorszej sytuacji.”

„(…) z niefortunnymi zdarzeniami tak już w życiu bywa: sam fakt, że ich nie rozumiemy, nie znaczy, że nie mają miejsca.”

„Jedną z najgorszych rzeczy w życiu jest żałowanie. Coś się wydarza, ty robisz nie to, co trzeba, a potem latami żałujesz, że nie zrobiłeś czegoś całkiem innego. Na przykład ja, gdy spaceruję brzegiem morza albo odwiedzam grób przyjaciółki, zawsze myślę o tym dniu, dawno, dawno temu, gdy nie zabrałem latarki w miejsce, gdzie koniecznie trzeba było zabrać latarkę, i skutki tego były tragiczne. Dlaczego ja nie wziąłem latarki? – wyrzucam sobie, chociaż już nic nie można na to poradzić.”

„Istnieje jednak pewien rodzaj książek, których prawie nikt nie lubi czytać, a są to książki prawnicze. Książki prawnicze słyną z tego, że są bardzo grube, bardzo nudne i bardzo trudne do zrozumienia. Dlatego właśnie prawnicy często zarabiają kupę pieniędzy. Taka kupa pieniędzy to znakomity bodziec – słowo „bodziec” oznacza tu: „spodziewana nagroda za zrobienie tego, czego nie chce się robić””

„Jest rzeczą wielce użyteczną, aby za młodu nauczyć się różnicy między „dosłownie” a „w przenośni”. Jeżeli coś dzieje się dosłownie, to dzieje się naprawdę; jeżeli coś dzieje się w przenośni, to tylko zdaje nam się, że się dzieje. Jeśli, na przykład, dosłownie skaczesz z radości, to odbijasz się od ziemi, bo jesteś bardzo szczęśliwy. Jeżeli skaczesz z radości w przenośni, to znaczy, że jesteś tak bardzo szczęśliwy, że mógłbyś skakać z radości, ale nie robisz tego, oszczędzając energię na inne działania.”

„(…) gdy się człowiek porządnie i długo wypłacze, na ogół robi mu się lepiej, nawet jeśli okoliczności nie zmieniły się ani na jotę.”

„To, co się stało, potrafi splamić nasz sentyment do miejsca, tak jak tusz plami białe płótno. Można potem prać i prać, ale i tak nie da się nigdy zapomnieć o tym, co zaszło – czyli „zdarzyło się i wszystkich zasmuciło.””

“The story of the Baudelaires does not take place in a fictional land where lollipops grow on trees and singing mice do all of the chores. The story of the Baudelaires takes place in a very real world, where some people are laughed at just because they have something wrong with them, and where children can find themselves all alone in the world, struggling to understand the sinister mystery that surrounds them….”

“For Beatrice--You will always be in my heart, in my mind, and in your grave. -Lemony Snicket”

“He bought a bird in its own cage, with a sheet over it so no one could see the bird and the bird couldn't see anyone, and the whole thing was a secret bird… Everything he said was tinged with the unreadability of someone who would bring a bird on cruise ship.”

“If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. -Lemony Snicket”

“The expression "Making a mountain out of a molehill" simply means making a big deal out of something that is actually a small deal, and it is easy to see how this expression came about. Molehills are simply mounds of earth serving as condominiums for moles, and they have never caused anyone harm except for maybe a stubbed toe if you were walking around the wilderness without any shoes on. Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems. They are very tall, and when people try to climb them they often fall off, or get lost and die of starvation. Sometimes, two countries fight over who really owns a mountain, and thousands of people have to go to war and come home grumpy or wounded. And, of course, mountains serve as homes to mountain goats and mountain lions, who enjoy attacking helpless picnickers and eating sandwiches or children. So when someone is making a mountain out of a molehill, they are pretending that something is as horrible as a war or a ruined picnic when it is really only as horrible as a stubbed toe.”

“Keith has one of those all terrain things that will come in so handy when the world ends and we need a nine-thousand -cylinder engine to drive over those hordes of blood-thirsty mutants crawling all over the video-game landscape.”

“I'm frightened by your behaviour. I woke up this morning and you said good morning and i said good morning, what do you feel like doing today, and you said well i sort of have to do this thing, and i said what thing and you said go to the reading of my father's will, and I said what are you talking about and then you told me that your dad had died. THIS MORNING.”

“Dear Joe The letter said The windows rattle without you, you bastard. The trees are the cause, rattling in the wind, you jerk, the wild scraping those leaves and twigs against my window. They'll keep on doing this, you terrible husband, and slowly wear away our entire apartment.”

“What a bad day it was, the clouds were low and cloudy, the rain no fun, and the dark as it hit the late afternoon thick like someone who stops by your place and just won't leave. The day was canceled, almost, on account of the rain spilling itself over everything.”

“With the Baudelaire orphans, it was as if their grief were a very heavy object that they each took turns carrying so that they would not all be crying at once, but sometimes the object was too heavy for one of them to move without weeping, so Violet and Sunny stood next to Klaus, reminding him that this was something they could all carry together until at last they found a safe place to lay it down.”

“"Help me," Allison says, but she is soft-spoken, and everyone she loves is so far away.”

“If you are looking for a story about cheerful youngsters spending a jolly time at boarding school, look elsewhere. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire are intelligent and resourceful children, and you might expect that they would do very well at school. Don't. For the Baudelaires, school turns out to be another miserable episode in their unlucky lives.”

“The last safe place is safe no more.”

“There are many things in this world I do not know. I do not know how butterflies get out of their cocoons without damaging their wings. I do not know why anyone would boil vegetables when roasting them is much tastier. I do not know how to make olive oil, and I do not know why dogs bark before an earthquake, and I do not know why some people voluntarily choose to climb mountains where it is freezing and difficult to breathe, or live in the suburbs, where the coffee is watery and all of the houses look alike.”

“Lemony Snicket: (narrating) But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny, who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.”

“The rain, the rain, the rain. You can't even hear it outside the window but still it's a sad thing. Rain, the grade school teachers say, makes the trees and flowers grow, but we're not trees and flower, and so many grade school teachers are single.”

“Like all fairy tales, the story of Sleeping Beauty begins with "Once upon a time," and continues with a foolish young princess who makes a witch very angry, and then takes a nap until her boyfriend wakes her up with a kiss and insists on getting married, at which point the story ends with the phrase "happily ever after."”

“I will love you no matter how many mistakes I make when trying to reduce fractions, and no matter how difficult it is to memorize the periodic table.”

“I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture.”

“Money money money money money money money money money. Let no one say it has no place in a love story. It has a particular place. It is something on the right shelf.”

“Adam hates Tomas and tried to get Eddie to join him in hate. It hasn't worked, although Eddie will admit certain shortcomings, and the two men have not met until now, in the forest, when Adam has decided that Tomas in Eddie's stories and the Tomas in this story are the same man.”

“I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. — Waiter at The Anxious Clown Restaurant”

“Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps. -Lemony Snicket”

“Violet said…"We've never known anyone who could remain so cheerful, no matter what terrible things occurred.”

“It is my solemn duty to stay up all night researching and writing the history of these three hapless youngsters, but you may be more comfortable getting a good night's sleep. In that case, you should probably choose some other book.”

“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it might be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it. -Lemony Snicket”

“Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of ‘systematically assisting Sisyphus’s stealthy, syst-susceptible sister,’ which is easier done than said.”

“I'm not - the terrific guy you keep telling me about. I'm not made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm made of rats and snails and puppy-dogs tails. I lie sometimes. I have broken people's hearts. I'm looking for love, I'll admit that, but now that it's here in abundance, I'm afraid of commitment and I want you, please, to leave me.”

“Carmelita Spats, who oughtta be told "Gorgeous" does not start with an M.”