“Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.”

“It’s hard to drink when you dance. And it’s hard to dance when you drink.”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“We use more discriminating intelligence when we buy a used car than when we buy a religion. Buying a used car you at least look underneath the hood, hit the tires, maybe take it to a mechanic to check it out. But in buying a religion you're supposed to wear these narrow blinders, so that if anybody disagrees you can block it out. It's basically, check your brains at the door when you join a religion.”

“Quick, how do you pick up a cat?"
"Buy her a drink.”

“I'm drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, "Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah". You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in White Castle -- working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't 'cause you're banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say she's a little retarded, but those titties ain't retarded!”

“No hard feelings about that time in the Crucible when you mixed my salts and I was nearly blind for a day. No. No, really, drink up!”

“I love you. I love your smile, your snarl, your grin, your face when you're sleeping.”

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

“Work hard in the silence to achieve your goals and levels. Because we are not the same with a good heart, some don't love you for who you're, and how you're. But success will show them everything, guide you and connect you with them later.”