“You can't sit down right,
Cause your jeans are too tight,
And you're lucky it's ladies night.
With your big empty purse,
Every week it gets worse,
At least your breasts cost more than hers.”

“The worth of things can't be measured by what they cost but by what the cost you to get it, that if anything costs you your faith or your family, then the price is too high, and that there are some things that will never wear out.”

“Turn up your radio and let me hear the song
Switch on your electric light
Then we can get down to what is really wrong
I long to hold you tight so I can feel you
Sweet lady of the night I shall reveal you.”

“Your clothes should be tight enough to show you're a woman but loose enough to show you're a lady”

“Jean, Jean, you're young and alive
Come out of your half-dreamed dream
And run, if you will, to the top of the hill
Open your arms, bonnie Jean.”

“If you keep a gun in your purse, you get killed, because no woman can find anything in her purse in under twelve minutes. It's a rule.”

“Letterman: "Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!"”

“You could hold her tight with all your might but she'd slip through your arms like the wind and be back in flight back into the night where you might never see her again.”

“You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!"”

“O city ladies'
Your coats wrapped,
Your hips a possession
Your shoes arched
Your walk is sharp
Your breasts
Pertain to lingerie”