“This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."”

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Mitch Hedberg 101
American stand-up comedian 1968–2005

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“… they said, "Sir, we want to tell you a joke." I said, "You don't have time to tell me a joke." They said, "Oh, you gotta hear this one." So I came in, they shut the door, and they said, "Here's"— I said, "What's the joke?" I said, "What's the joke?" They said, "9/11. Saddam Hussein. If he didn't do it, too bad. He should've! Because we're gonna get him anyway." I said, "But that's not funny." I said, "That's not very funny." They said, "It sure isn't."”

Wesley Clark (1944) American general and former Democratic Party presidential candidate

Recalling a conversation with unidentified generals at the Pentagon "about ten days after 9/11" (circa September 21, 2001).
Real Time with Bill Maher [2.22] (episode 42), October 29, 2004; panel discussion with Maher, Kevin Costner, and Richard Belzer.

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“What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.”

Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian

Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect But Plenty of Sex and Drugs (2004), p. 19

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