“[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]
When I get in the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out of the shower, there's five little girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest one, who's really funny, she said "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "Well, I'm gonna tell the five of you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"”

— Jeff Foxworthy

I hate a smart child.
Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

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Jeff Foxworthy 31

American stand-up comedian 1958

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“Where is my daddy? asked the emerald. My da?
Moll dropped a glass, which shattered.
Your father.
Yes, said the emerald, amn’t I supposed to have one?
He’s not here.
Noticed that, said the emerald.
I’m never sure what you know and what you don’t know.
I ask in true perplexity.
He was Deus Lunus. The moon god. Sometimes thought of as the man in the moon.
Bosh! said the emerald. I don’t believe it.
Do you believe I’m your mother?
I do.
Do you believe you’re an emerald?
I am an emerald.
Used to be, said Moll, women wouldn’t drink from a glass into which the moon had shone. For fear of getting knocked up.
Surely this is a superstition?
Hoo, hoo, said Moll. I like superstition.
I thought the moon was female.
Don’t be culture-bound. It’s been female in some cultures at some times, and in others, not.
What did it feel like? The experience.
Not a proper subject for discussion with a child.
The emerald sulking. Green looks here and there.
Well it wasn’t the worst. Wasn’t the worst. I had an orgasm that lasted three hours. I judge that not the worst.”

Donald Barthelme book Sixty Stories

“The Emerald”.
Sixty Stories (1981)

“People walkin' around everyday,
Playin' games and takin' scores.
Tryin' to make other people lose their minds.
Well be careful you don't lose yours.Oh think (think)
Think about what you're tryin' to do to me.
Woo-hoo think (think)
Let your mind go let yourself be free.You need me (need me)
And I need you (don't cha know)
Without each other
There ain't nothin' we two can do.”

Aretha Franklin (1942–2018) American musician, singer, songwriter, and pianist

"Think", written with Teddy White, from Aretha Now (1968)
Song lyrics

“Think you can maybe not die for five minutes?"
"I'll try,"I told him seriously.
"You know, if anyone else said that, it would be funny.”

Karen Chance American writer

Source: Hunt the Moon

“Cherry: You know, I’ve been home now for 24 hours. I must’ve been asked 9,000 times about that incident, we don’t have it [the footage], but I want to talk about it. Figure it out: Here’s a guy who gets eight stitches, eight stitches in his chin. What happened? Who did it? Nobody knows, ok? Nobody knows, ok, so here’s what happens. The referee calls the guy over and he says ‘Did you see what happened?’, ‘Whoaa, not my side’ ‘Did you see what happened?’ ‘Well wait a minute if I tell you, that means five-minute major.’ If the linesman says five-minute major…”

Don Cherry (1934) ice hockey coach, television commentator

“See, if I come into a black neighborhood and say, "Thanks for watching my show," and give out high fives and all that, I'm not doing no good. I go out and see a kid grabbing his crotch. Ain't nobody telling them that. Where do they get it from? They watch MTV. I say, "If you wash up more often, you won't have to grab your crotch." I'm telling these guys, "Why you gotta grab your crotch?"”

Mr. T (1952) American actor and retired professional wrestler

Then you see Michael Jackson grabbing his crotch 50 times. What's with him?

“I liked my body growing up and I wasn't ashamed of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time.”

Madonna (1958) American singer, songwriter, and actress

Madonna Rocks the Land, Time, 1985-05-27 http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/,

“Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign."”

Mitch Fatel (1968) American comedian

Girls Love to Shower
Miniskirts & Muffins (2004)

“… they said, "Sir, we want to tell you a joke." I said, "You don't have time to tell me a joke." They said, "Oh, you gotta hear this one." So I came in, they shut the door, and they said, "Here's"— I said, "What's the joke?" I said, "What's the joke?" They said, "9/11. Saddam Hussein. If he didn't do it, too bad. He should've! Because we're gonna get him anyway." I said, "But that's not funny." I said, "That's not very funny." They said, "It sure isn't."”

Wesley Clark (1944) American general and former Democratic Party presidential candidate

Recalling a conversation with unidentified generals at the Pentagon "about ten days after 9/11" (circa September 21, 2001).
Real Time with Bill Maher [2.22] (episode 42), October 29, 2004; panel discussion with Maher, Kevin Costner, and Richard Belzer.

“Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I'm pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, "Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today."”

Mike Huckabee (1955) Arkansas politician

You're laughing because it sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it?
National Religious Broadcasters Convention, Nashville, Tennessee, , quoted in [2015-06-02, Huckabee On Transgender People: I Wish I Could’ve Said I Was Transgender In HS To Shower With The Girls, Megan Apper and Andrew Kaczynski, Buzzfeed, http://www.buzzfeed.com/meganapper/huckabee-on-transgender-people-i-wish-i-couldve-said-i-was-t]

“I just said that the Hawkins girl's head was severed and taken up the road about twenty-five to fifty yards and buried in a location about ten yards west of the road, on a rocky hillside. Did you hear that?”

Ted Bundy (1946–1989) American serial killer

Discussing the murder of Georgann Hawkins to Detective Robert Keppel, days before his execution. Quoted in Keppel, Robert (2005) The Riverman, Ted Bundy and I Hunt for the Green River Killer. Simon and Schuster, pp. 29

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