“My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

— Henny Youngman

"The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)

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Henny Youngman 18

American comedian 1906–1998

Ted Haggard (1956) American minister

Time Magazine http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1554388,00.html, accessed November 4, 2006

“I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a slithering demon spawned from the fiery depths of Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."”

Christopher Titus (1964) actor, writer, podcaster

Love is Evol (2009)

“Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack;
I went out for a ride and I never went back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going”

Bruce Springsteen (1949) American singer and songwriter

"Hungry Heart"
Song lyrics, The River (1980)

“My wife."
"By what name is she called, Kincaid?"
"Mine.”

Julie Garwood (1946) American writer

Source: The Bride

“One night in Boston I went out to dinner with my editor and his wife—this was my first editor, the beloved editor, and I was in awe of him; I still am in awe of him. The editor kissed me on the cheek as we parted and called me his “darling boy,” as if thereby investing me with the Order of Letters Genteel. It was among the happiest nights of my life; I was filled with sadness as I watched the two of them, the editor and his wife, walk away.”

Richard Rodríguez (1944) American journalist and essayist

Darling: A Spiritual Autobiography (2013)

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian

Variant: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”

Bill Engvall (1957) American comedian and actor

Cheap Drunk: An Autobiography (2002)

“Lots of people call me Dave, my mum calls me David, my wife calls me Dave, I don't really notice what people call me.”

David Cameron (1966) Former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

Interview with Richard Bacon on XFM, 28 September 2006), as quoted in "Labour in shambles over leadership, says Cameron" in Western Mail (29 September 2006), p. 4.
2000s, 2006

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

Rodney Dangerfield (1921–2004) American actor and comedian

Variant: What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

“I will not … that my wife be so much as suspected.”

Julius Caesar (-100–-44 BC) Roman politician and general

His declaration as to why he had divorced his wife Pompeia, when questioned in the trial against Publius Clodius Pulcher for sacrilege against Bona Dea festivities (from which men were excluded), in entering Caesar's home disguised as a lute-girl apparently with intentions of a seducing Caesar's wife; as reported in Plutarch's Lives of Coriolanus, Caesar, Brutus, and Antonius by Plutarch, as translated by Thomas North, p. 53
Variant translations:
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion.

“My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

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Henny Youngman 18

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