“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice."”

“On their date, my father said to Renee, "Tomorrow I'm going to come by your parents' house, pick you up, and we're going to go hunt for apartments. The three of us will live together and be a little family." It was really romantic at the drive-in, so this was all fabulous. He dropped her off at my grandparents' house. The next day, my mother waited and waited. He never came. He never called. Finally, she called her friend, Janet, who had recently married Nicolas' brother Gabriel. She asked if Janet had seen my father. "Oh honey, he's moved to California. He left this morning," Janet said.”

“I set it off with my own rhyme
cause I'm as ill as a convict who kills for phone time”

“So between you and me," I tell Justine on the phone that night, "we're either bitchy or stupid."
"Oh God," she moans. "Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."
"Thanks!”

“I'm actually going on holiday to India next month, and I wanted to know what the weather was gonna be like there, so I phoned my bank.”

“Some day I'm gonna call me up on the phone, so when I answer, I can tell myself to shut up.”

“So, I come home, I was so tired, and I look at my phone to check my messages, and I had a voicemail message from a guy by the name of Channing Tatum. [Female audience members cheer and woop] Now, for those of you not "woo"-ing, let me explain who that is. Channing Tatum is the new Hollywood hot guy, he's doing all these movies, coming out really good-looking, ripped, you know. He's making a lot of films, and there's a voicemail on there from him. "Gabriel Iglesias, this is Channing Tatum, call me at your earliest convenience…" blah-blah-blah. So, I was like, "Well, okay." So, I call him. [Mimics dialing on phone and ringing] "Hello?" "Hi, this is Gabriel Iglesias calling for Mr. Channing Tatum?" He yells, "FLUFFY!" [Mimes pulling his phone away in surprise] "…Hello?" "Oh, dude, man, I'm a huge fan. Hey, listen, real quick, I only have, like, a minute. Look, bro, I'm doing a new movie, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in reading and auditioning for one of the parts." I said, "Sure, bro, I'd be happy to audition for…for your movie. What's it called?" He goes, "The movie's called Magic Mike." [Female audience members woop loudly] I was like, "Oh, cool, Magic Mike. So, you need a magician, you need an assistant, you gonna saw me in half, what's gonna happen?" "Actually, bro. The movie has nothing to do with magic. It's actually a movie about male strippers." I said, "Male strippers?" He goes, "Yeah, male strippers."”

“I am a legend, you know, I have to tell you a story about reggies splatoon 2. After E3, I immediately go into interviews and other meetings. I get a phone call from my son, who is now 16 years old, telling me, "Dad, you're famous. You got all these things on the web!" And I'm, like, "You're kidding me!" I didn't know what was going on. And we had all these fansites and all this information floating around. They called it the Reggielution and they called me the Reggienator. It was pretty fun.”

“I know that you think you've set sail when you call my name
But I get it inside my head all day
When I realize I'm just hopin' onto the hope that
Maybe, your feelings don't show

It feels like I only go backwards, baby,
Every part of me says go ahead,
I've got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
It feels like we only go backwards, darlin'

The seed of all this indecision isn't me, oh no
'Cause I decided long ago
But that's the way it seems to go,
When trying so hard to get to something real, it feels

It feels like I only go backwards, darlin',
Every part of me says go ahead,
I've got my hopes up again, oh no, not again
It feels like we only go backwards, darlin”

“It's not a handicap, because when you go to bed, I take [the hearing aid] off, and the phones ring, the maids vacuum, people knock on doors, and I don't hear any of that.”