“If desire did not dim the brain, nobody would ever get married, drunk, or fat.”

“You promised, Seaweed brain. We would not get separated! Ever again!”

“Nobody ever seemed quite clear whether the expression "drunk as a lord" should be taken as a compliment or an insult.”

“They are preserving the sanctity of marriage, so that two gay men who've been together for twenty-five years can't get married, but a guy can still get drunk in Vegas and marry a hooker at the Elvis chapel! The sanctity of marriage is saved!”

“Katy Perry must have been drunk when she married Russel [sic] Brand - but he did send me a nice letter of apology!”

“I may be fat and ugly, but I'm not stupid. If anyone had ever gotten past my looks, they might've noticed I have a brain.”

“The desire to get married is a basic and primal instinct in women. It's followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again.”

“You would be better off having nobody than the wrong somebody. (On marrying for the wrong reasons.)”

“Nobody’s going to go home for a year and come back. Nobody could ever enforce that. Nobody in their right mind would ever try to do it.”

“They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.”