Rodney Dangerfield citations

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.”

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie. ”

“Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke. ”

“I tell ya, I grew up in a tough neighborhood. The other night a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“I was so ugly… When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!”

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.”

“In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

“I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.”

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me… and no one showed up.”

“I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”