Rodney Dangerfield citations

Page 2

“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."”

“I was an ugly kid. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.”

“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

“When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt — for obvious reasons — that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right."”

“My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.”

“There goes the neighborhood.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. ”

“I was so poor growing up…if I wasn't a boy…I'd have nothing to play with. ”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. ”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. ”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. ”

“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. ”

“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. ”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ”

“My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. ”

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. ”

“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. ”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”