Erma Bombeck citations

“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else”

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food”

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“A child needs your love most when he deserves it least”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”

“When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.”

“I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.”

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.”

“Housework can kill you if done right.”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”

“All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”

“Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.”

“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”