Erma Bombeck citations

Page 2

“Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!”

“As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.”

“Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.”

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”

“Laugh now, cry later.”

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.”

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.”

“I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”

“Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.”

“I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.”

“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”

“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows”

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip”

“It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.”

“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”

“If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?”

“Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.”

“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”

“I've exercised with women so thin, buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.”

“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”