Steven Wright: Quotes about people

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal… The wings are knocking people over…”

“About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper—I don't even like lines on the paper—so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad.”

“It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.”