Steven Wright: Trending quotes (page 5)

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”