Mitch Hedberg: Going

Mitch Hedberg was American stand-up comedian. Explore interesting quotes on going.
Mitch Hedberg: 202   quotes 4   likes

“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

Way , Guy , Imagination , Dead

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

Mitch Hedberg

track 17, "Movie Pot"
Mitch All Together (2003)

Dreams

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

Mitch Hedberg

track 11, "Three Easy Payments"
Mitch All Together (2003)

Thinking , Night

“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”

Mitch Hedberg

Do You Believe in Gosh?

People

“I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?"”

Mitch Hedberg

"As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"
Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

“When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.”

Mitch Hedberg

Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

People , Housing

“Listerine hurts, man; when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

Hurt

“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)

Drink

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

Hell , Light

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

Mitch Hedberg

Strategic Grill Locations

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music… So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'”

Mitch Hedberg

It's just flat."
Comedy Central Presents, S01E06: Mitch Hedberg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAHiHJ2AhYE&feature=youtu.be (5 January 1999)

Music

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch All Together (2003)