George Carlin: Trending quotes (page 8)

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

“She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.”

“You can prick your finger… Just don't finger your prick.”

“I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.”

“The older you get, the better you realize you were.”

“Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”

“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

“No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.”

“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”

“Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”

“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom”

“The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.”

“I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.”