George Carlin: Trending quotes (page 3)

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and
someone else owns the grass.”

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”

“There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.”

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.”

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes….. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Meow means "woof" in cat.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”