George Carlin: Trending quotes

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George Carlin: 540 quotes98 likes

“The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.”

George Carlin book Brain Droppings

Source: Brain Droppings

“Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.”

George Carlin

“And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.”

George Carlin

“Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you.”

George Carlin When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

George Carlin book Last Words

Source: Last Words

“If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

George Carlin

“I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Two-hundred and twenty-five of 'em, so far! 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code!”

George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

George Carlin

"Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"
A Place for My Stuff (1981)

“There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"”

George Carlin

Class Clown (1972)

“If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. Thank you, officer, that'll be all. You can throw him back on the pile."”

George Carlin

"Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"
Complaints and Grievances (2001)

“There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“[On why he lacked faith in humanity] The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god – that there's a man in the sky with ten things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them – and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.”

George Carlin

Mother Jones Magazine, March/April 1997
Interviews, Print Interviews

“The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!"”

George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)