Dave Barry Quotes (121 quotes, page 2) | Quotes of famous people

“We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up http://books.google.com/books?id=Dl1Q8FYJT1cC&pg=PA57&dq=%22We+need+our+highest+judicial+body+to+stop+this+childish+bickering%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=2H22UMHfGYeGiQKdp4GwBw&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22We%20need%20our%20highest%20judicial%20body%20to%20stop%20this%20childish%20bickering%22&f=false
Dave Barry is not Making This Up (1994)

Parting

“In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

Sport

“Of course it’s possible that there really ISN’T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office-officially named "The Office of Disinformation"-that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: "Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!"”

Dave Barry

The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. France, meanwhile, would surrender.
Column for week of April 15, 2002
Columns and articles

Falseness

“Stalin's strategy at the end of World War II was to acquire a small "buffer zone between Russia and Germany, consisting of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Albania, and most of Germany. In an effort to garner public support in these nations, Stalin mounted a public-relations campaign around the upbeat theme "Maybe We Won't Have Your Whole Family Shot," and in 1945 Eastern Europe decided to join the Communist bloc by a vote of 28,932,084,164,504,029-0. Heartened by this mandate, Stalin immediately ordered construction work to begin on the Iron Curtain, which was given its name by Sir Winston Churchill, who, in a historic anecdote at a dinner party, said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but an iron curtain has descended upon BLEAAARRRGGGHHH."”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 126

War , World , Family , Support

“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

Dave Barry

Column for week of February 29, 1992 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=HgBOAAAAIBAJ&sjid=5osDAAAAIBAJ&pg=5149,5086013&dq=dave-barry+pie+bake&hl=en
Columns and articles

Money , God

“What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Cars , Feeling , Time , Past

“Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Home

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

Dave Barry

Column, The Miami Herald, 21 January 1996
Columns and articles

“Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus.”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 138

Pain

“In sports, the U. S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

Sport

“The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Does Japan (1992)

Family , Way , Learning , Baby

“Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”

Dave Barry

The Miami Herald, originally 16 November 2003
Columns and articles

Feeling , Winter , Time

“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

Dave Barry

Columns and articles
Source: New York Times News Service article http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:ORLB&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB4F0B407FF900A&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB on reactions to the death of Superman, November 1992

Life , People , Thinking

“Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

Parting

“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Travel , Home , Kiss , Learning

“U. S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D. C., and videotaped him touring the White House.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

Housing , Box

“I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Life , School

“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”

Dave Barry

Column for August 22, 1999 http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:WPIW&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB2C3CA5DAE0B10&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB
Columns and articles

Way

“What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial."”

Dave Barry

Nonfiction, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

Life

“Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989)

“During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true "vacation paradise," offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Mountain , Chance , Season

“The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.”

Dave Barry

Playboy interview, May 1990
Columns and articles

Problem , Personality

“But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!"”

Dave Barry

they'd yell.
Nonfiction, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Children , Hope , Hell , Thinking

“A lot of people were very upset, especially people in Palm Beach County, who were saying that they had accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan, which was clearly a mistake. Even Pat Buchanan admitted this.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

People

“The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia."”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is MUCH more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.”

Dave Barry

Column, August 18, 1991
Columns and articles

Women , Men , Food , Guy

“But when it came to eloquence, George [ H. W.] Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

Idea , Question , Thinking

“When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government requires this, and for a good reason, which is: I have no idea. I don't even know what riboflavin is. I do know I eat a lot of it. For example, I often start the day with a hearty Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart, which has, according to the label, a riboflavin rating of 10 percent. I assume this means that 10 percent of the Pop-Tart is riboflavin. Maybe it's the red stuff in the middle. Anyway, I'm hoping riboflavin is a good thing; if it turns out that it's a bad thing, like "riboflavin" is the Latin word for "cockroach pus," then I am definitely in trouble.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

Food , Hope , Confidence , Idea

“We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”

Dave Barry

Washington Post December 19, 2004 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A218-2004Dec14.html (Second Source: A video of Dave Barry reacting to a university response to this quote) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE3REvTJjXU,
Columns and articles

“In 1948 the Democrats had little choice but to nominate President Truman, under the banner HE'S GOING TO LOSE. Everybody felt this way: the politicians, the press, the pollsters, the piccolo players, Peter Piper, everybody. The Republicans were so confident that they nominated an individual named Thomas Dewey, whose lone accomplishment was inventing the decimal system. Truman campaigned doggedly around the nation, but his cause appeared to be hopeless. A Dewey victory seemed so inevitable that on election night, the Chicago Tribune printed the famous front-page headline DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. This was because Dewey had defeated Truman, who immediately threatened to drop an atomic bomb on Chicago, so everybody went ha-ha-ha-ha, just kidding, and wisely elected to have the feisty ex-haberdasher have another term.”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 131

Way , Confidence , Appearance , Victory

“Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, "Sprechnehaltenzoltenfussenmachschnitzerkalbenrollen." Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:
First German: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Second German: I don't know! How many?
First German: Let's invade Poland and find out!
Millions of Other Germans: Okay!”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

People , Light

“But this should serve as a reminder to brides of the importance of discouraging reception guests from discharging their firearms unless they have a good reason, such as the band vocalist attempting to perform "I Will Always Love You" in the official Whitney Houston Diarrhea of the Vowels version ("And IIIIIIeeeeeIIIIIIIII, will alwaaaaays love yoooooeeeeeeeooooooouuuuueeeeeeeeeoooooo" BANG)”

Dave Barry

The Miami Herald, 2 April 2004
Columns and articles

Love

“[Gary] Hart was clearly the most attractive candidate, the only one with even a remote chance of beating Ronald Reagan, so naturally the Democrats selected: Walter Mondale. When Mondale accepted the nomination, he wooed the voter by informing them…that if they elected him as president, his first move would be to jack up their income taxes. Walter you sweet talker!”

Dave Barry

Nonfiction, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

Nature , Chance

“A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.”

Dave Barry

Originally published in "Encyclopedia Tropicana: A Reference Book for the Modern World, Volume 1" by Joel Achenbach, The Miami Herald, May 4, 1986; quoted by Bryan Curtis, " Dave Barry: Elegy for the humorist http://slate.msn.com/id/2112218," Slate, January 12, 2005
Columns and articles

World , Feeling , Knowledge , Sense

“Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry in Cyberspace (1996)

Parting

“Once, when the bar was slow, he told her about things he’d found in his clients’ pools. Alligators, for example; he’d encountered at least a dozen. Also the occasional snake. Hundreds of frogs. These were to be expected in South Florida, which as far as the native wildlife was concerned was still a swamp, no matter how many houses got built on it.”

Dave Barry

Source: Novels, Tricky Business (2002), Chapter 7

Housing

“The remote control had 48 buttons. No resident of the Old Farts Senile Dying Center knew how to operate it. They were the Greatest Generation, men and women who had survived the Depression, defeated the Nazis, built America into the greatest nation the world had ever seen. But this damned gizmo had beaten them.”

Dave Barry

Source: Novels, Tricky Business (2002), Chapter 4