Charlie Brooker: Trending quotes (page 3)

“If love were a product, the queue at the faulty goods desk would stretch right round the universe and back. It doesn't work properly. The seams come apart and it's full of powdered glass.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 25 August 2006, Supposing... It's time to smother romance in its sleep http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1858034,00.html
Guardian columns

Love , Universe

“Don't accuse anyone with the temerity to question your sad supernatural fantasies of having a 'closed mind' or being 'blind to possibilities'. A closed mind asks no questions, unthinkingly accepting that which it wants to believe. The blindness is all yours.”

Charlie Brooker

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1963337,00.html
The Guardian, 4 December 2006, When it comes to psychics, my stance is hardcore: they must die alone in windowless cells http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1963337,00.html
Guardian columns

Sadness , Question

“He could probably make you a cloud sandwich if you asked. Or a blancmange made of numbers.”

Charlie Brooker

On Heston Blumenthal.
[Screen Burn, http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,2193905,00.html, The Guardian, 20 October 2007, 2007-11-02]
Guardian columns, Screen Burn

“A lot of people think right-wingers aren't capable of being amusing at all. Not true. Mussolini looked hilarious swinging from that lamppost.”

Charlie Brooker

Screen Burn, The Guardian, 24 February 2007, 2007-08-19 http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,2019169,00.html,
Guardian columns, Screen Burn

People , Thinking

“… The result is the most nauseating display of artificial camaraderie since the horrific Doritos "Friendchips" TV campaign (which caused 50,000 people to kill themselves in 2003, or should have done).”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian.co.uk,28 August 2009
On Microsoft's Windows 7 Launch Party ad campaign
Guardian columns

People

“One of the side-effects of having your work appear in a public forum such as this is that people often email me asking for advice on how to break into writing, presumably figuring that if a drooling gum-brain like me can scrape a living witlessly pawing at a keyboard, there's hope for anyone.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

People , Hope , Appearance

“You can't press a button to make Phil Mitchell jump over a turtle and land on a cloud (unless you've recently ingested a load of military-grade hallucinogens, in which case you can also make him climb inside his own face and start whistling colours).”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 20 November 2006, Reality bytes back http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,1952430,00.html
On video games
Guardian columns

“President Barack Obama. President Barack Obama. Nope, still can't get used to it. It's literally too good to be true. I must've died in my sleep and am now having an insane fantasy pumped into my head by the Matrix. Any minute now Salma Hayek is going to float through the door with a tray of biscuits and I'll know the game's up.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian, 10 November 2008 http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/nov/10/barack-obama-zombies-running
Guardian columns

Game , Sleep

“Forgive my pants for remaining unshitten.”

Charlie Brooker

Discussing Twilight in The Guardian 12 July 2010. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jul/12/charlie-booker-twilights-unscary-monsters
Guardian columns

Forgiveness

“Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Screenwipe, a programme all about television.”

Charlie Brooker

Introductory message on every episode of Screenwipe, usually said in an odd way (for example, with Brooker slapping himself as he says it).
Screenwipe

“You could grind a dog's head and a shoe together into a paste and spoon-feed it to me, and I'd probably think it was chicken liver pate, provided I kept my eyes closed, and provided you plucked all the dog hair out beforehand, and provided you'd managed to find a pestle and mortar big enough to mash it all up in, and provided - look, it wouldn't be worth it. I'm just saying I can't taste anything. There's no need to get carried away. What's the matter with you? You're an idiot.”

Charlie Brooker

On his lack of tastebuds due to a bad cold.
[Screen Burn, http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguide/columnists/story/0,,2193905,00.html, The Guardian, 20 October 2007, 2008-07-30]
Guardian columns, Screen Burn

Dogs , Shoe , Thinking , Past

“The original cut of Ridley Scott's recent retelling of the Robin Hood legend contained a puzzling interlude during which Russell Crowe recited the URL for a pornographic website. The scene was dropped from the theatrical release at the last minute when it was discovered that a script supervisor had inadvertently pasted the contents of their clipboard into the script while trying to find the keyboard shortcut for "print."”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian 4 October 2010 http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/oct/04/charlie-brooker-jonathan-franzen-book-pulped
Guardian columns

Past

“Thoughtfully, just as Jabscreen owners everywhere were running out of apps to compare – and, by extension, anything to talk about – the nice droids at Apple Castle gifted them a whole new branch of conversation: the launch of the Jabscreen 4, which apparently is miles better than a regular Jabscreen, although no one can really explain why. Its most impressive feature is this: simply by existing, it suddenly makes your existing Olde Worlde vanilla Jabscreen seem rubbish. How can you enjoy sliding the little icons around on your Jabscreen 3 when you know that if you had a Jabscreen 4, those very same icons would be slightly sharper? The answer is you can't.”

Charlie Brooker

Guardian columns

World

“The insomniac brain comes in various flavours; different personality types you're forced to share your skull with for several hours. It's like being trapped in a lift with someone who won't shut up. Sometimes your companion is a peppy irritant who passes the time by humming half- remembered TV theme tunes until 7am. Other times it's a morose critic who has recently compiled a 1,500-page report on your innumerable failings and wants to run over it with you a few times before going to print. Worst of all is the hyper-aware sportscaster who offers an uninterrupted commentary describing which bits of your body are currently the least comfortable. No matter where you put that leg, he won't be satisfied. And he's convinced you've got one arm too many.”

Charlie Brooker

The Guardian 26 October 2009. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/26/charlie-brooker-sleeping-lessons
Guardian columns