Bill Engvall: Going

Bill Engvall is American comedian and actor. Explore interesting quotes on going.
Bill Engvall: 142   quotes 2   likes

“[having been recognized by a woman in a diner]
She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is…." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."”

Bill Engvall

[looks up] Really God? Really?
Aged and Confused (2009)

God , Home

“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Flight attendant: Is there going to be someone to pick him up when he gets off the plane?
Ron: No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll…" And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

God , Food , Daughters

“Engvall is in an office elevator going up.
friend: Excuse me, are these the elevators that go up?
Engvall: No, these go side to side. The up ones are down the hall. (to audience) HE WALKED AWAY!”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]
[My wife] goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice."”

Bill Engvall

And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

God , Mountain , Boy , Housing

“Watching NASCAR with my wife is like taking a test. Every single turn, she has a question. Now, here's the problem. Sometimes her questions actually make sense. I don't have an answer for them. So, I have to that guy thing and go Pfft! You ever hear your man do that, ladies? That means he doesn't know the answer, but he's thinking.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One For the Road (2006)

Guy , Question , Problem , Thinking

“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?"”

Bill Engvall

And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

God , Home , Girl , Boy

“Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate when I hear guys go "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs. You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. Little girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!"”

Bill Engvall

15° Off Cool (2007)

Love , Hate , Way , Guy

“Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, that's just sick in my book. But I didn't know about the snake, and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasn't real good at it, alright? "I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable… okay?" and I'm like, "Alright! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen… in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, that'll sober you up! I'm backin' out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love."”

Bill Engvall

I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him... Okay?"
Here's Your Sign (1996)

Love , Books , Making love , Way

“[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]
I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait… we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!"”

Bill Engvall

And I go "have you lost your mind???"
Aged and Confused (2009)

Family , Water , Waiting , Parting

“at the Engvalls' home, Travis is about to play on the piano.
Engvall's son, Travis: I'm going to play you a song from Harry Potter.
Engvall: Oh, the movie?
Travis: No, the book. Here's your sign.
When telling the joke on Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004), he stops his son before he says "sign."”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign, "Here's <i>MY</i> Sign..."

Books , Home

“[his plan to prevent potential boyfriends from taking advantage of his daughter]
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any... thoughts... about huggin', or... kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

Life , Girl , Boy , Problem

“This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon."”

Bill Engvall

I go, "Well, you're screwed."
15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
15° Off Cool (2007)

Life , Flying

“[about his daughter Emily, who scored 1390 on her SATs]
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign Live! (2004)

Stupidity , Daughters

“[about how he and his wife can't go out on a date, since they're married]
(A) I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm…." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!”

Bill Engvall

Aged and Confused (2009)

Chance

“Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

“Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Attendant: Tire go flat?
Engvall: Nope, I was drivin' along and the other three just swelled right up!
Attendant: Well, the heat'll do that.
Engvall: Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign (1996)
Here's Your Sign

Cars