Bill Engvall: Billing

“Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Flight attendant: Is there going to be someone to pick him up when he gets off the plane?
Ron: No, I'm going to pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Clerk: You gonna buy these?
Engvall: Nope, gonna steal 'em. Just wanted you to see them before I walked out of the store. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

“Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway
Bill's neighbor: Getting your car towed?
Bill: Nope, we're mating it, hoping to get a Mini Cooper.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Hope , Cars

“She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains??" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice."”

Bill Engvall

And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)

God , Mountain , Boy , Housing

“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.
Woman: Do your legs hurt?
Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign

Hurt

“Before I got married, I was on a date one night. This girl had a snake as a pet. A 12-foot boa constrictor; she named it Fluffy. Well, that's just sick in my book. But I didn't know about the snake, and it was our first date. We'd been out drinking. We drank way too much. We get back to her mobile home. Woo, wish I was making that part up. She shuts the door behind me and gives me one of these. [hisses, exhales] She wasn't real good at it, alright? "I'm gonna slip into something a little more comfortable… okay?" and I'm like, "Alright! I'll be waitin' right here! Well, maybe here. Hell, you'll see me." She comes out of the bedroom/kitchen… in a negligee and that snake wrapped around her neck. Boy, that'll sober you up! I'm backin' out the front door, going, "No, thanks, I can drive." She looks at me and she goes, "No, wait, Bill! Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love."”

Bill Engvall

I said, "No, he can't, 'cause I'll kill him... Okay?"
Here's Your Sign (1996)

Love , Books , Making love , Way

“Bill and his brother-in-law had shot a deer and drove it in to get processed. At a rest stop, a woman stops at the truck
Woman: Did y'all shoot this deer?!
Bill's Brother-in-law: No, ma'am, we did not shoot this deer. It was the saddest thing. We were just driving down the road, the deer got into the back of our truck at a stop sign, handed us a note and then shot himself! Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Law

“in the lost luggage office in Buffalo
Lost luggage employee: Can I help you?
Engvall: Yes, you lost my luggage.
Employee: [looking directly at Bill] Has your plane landed yet?
Engvall: No, princess. I'm having an out of body experience. I'm just checkin' on it.”

Bill Engvall

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie (2003)
Here's Your Sign

Help , Princess

“[about how people in the 90's used "awesome" wrongly]
Webster's dictionary defines awesome as "anything that leaves you in awe and wonder." Like winning the lottery—twice. That's awesome. Getting a call from the IRS saying you've been audited and they owe you $50,000—that would be awesome. Ladies, you wake up tomorrow morning and the newspaper reads, "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome. Getting invited to the Playboy Mansion—on trampoline night, that would be awesome. And I started thinking, ladies and gentlemen, what would be awesome for Bill Engvall? What would leave me in awe and wonder? And it would have to be, if I left this stage tonight and I went back to my hotel room, and Shania Twain met me at my door, wearing nothing but a fur coat, holding a note from my wife that said, "Have a good time!"”

Bill Engvall

THAT would be AWESOME! It ain't gonna happen—but that would be awesome.
Now That's Awesome (2000)

Men , People , Way , Thinking

“Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
Neighbor: You pouring concrete?
Bill: No, we're making big margaritas. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

Now That's Awesome (2000)
Here's Your Sign

“This year, ladies and gentlemen, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Air Force Thunderbirds. (Audience hoots and hollers) You betcha! They called me up out of the blue, and they go, "Hey, we want you to fly with us." And I'm like, "You got the right number?" They said, "Yeah, Bill Engvall, comedian. You stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." I'm like, (dork voice) "Be an honor to fly with 'ya." He goes, "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon."”

Bill Engvall

I go, "Well, you're screwed."
15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
15° Off Cool (2007)

Life , Flying

“A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Store clerk: Oh, do you have twins?
Bill's friend: Yup, my wife was in labor for five years.”

Bill Engvall

Here's Your Sign: Live! (2004)
Here's Your Sign

Birthday

“Bill and Larry The Cable Guy walk by a stone that Bill's neighbor had had 1894, his address, carved into it.
Larry: Damn, that rock's old.
Bill: No, that's not its age, dumbass. That's how much it weighs. Here's your sign.”

Bill Engvall

15 Degrees Off Cool (2007)
Here's Your Sign

Age , Guy