Quotes from book

I Am America (And So Can You!)

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies”

“Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!”

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”

“… why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn”

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”