“Hell is other people's babies. That's the lesson I learned when I ventured to the Eighth Annual America's Most Beautiful Baby Contest in Phoenix, Arizona. Outside, it's hot enough to fry baby food. But inside the bliss of a beautiful air-conditioned shopping mall, one baby will be judged far more beautiful than all the others, and displayed on stage like a little trained monkey. The grand prize awarded to the winning baby: a brand new car!”

“And I was like
Baby, baby, baby ooh…”

“Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now.
Come on baby, do the locomotion.
I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now.
Come on baby, do the locomotion.My little baby sister can do it with ease;
It's easier than learning your ABC's.
So come on, come on do the locomotion with me.”

“I studied the swell of her enormous breasts and I said: "Baby you're so far ahead it's beautiful"”

“I want babies too," he said huskily. "Daughters as beautiful as you are.”

“Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises…gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy.”

“I want my baby
Where is my baby?
I want my baby
Where is my baby?”

“I learned to walk as a baby and I haven't had a lesson since.”

“You Been Burned baby lessons learned.”

“Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.”