“The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.”

“People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even." … For me, being funny is the best revenge.”

“Death is the sanction of everything the story-teller can tell. He has borrowed his authority from death.”

“To be the best in the world in anything, even 'long distance spitting', implies a grave, heavy and suffocating responsibility.”

“Now it is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it…”

“Rats have a sense of humor. Rats, in fact think the world is very funny. And they are right, dear reader. They are right.”

“As a story teller, Scott is unrivalled; he would have made the fortune of a cafe at Damascus.”

“If a man does not work passionately - even furiously - at being the best in the world at what he does, he fails his talent, his destiny, and his God.”

“The story of my family… changes with the teller.”

“Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you.”