“A cigar," said the altruist, "a cigar, my good man, I cannot give you. But any time you need a light, just come round, mine is always lit.”
Half-Truths and One-And-A-Half Truths (1976)
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Karl Kraus 94
Czech playwright and publicist 1874–1936Related quotes

“Bristow hasn't hit it yet. What this country needs is a good five-cent cigar.”
Reported comment made to a Senate clerk while Senator Joseph Bristow of Kansas was making a speech in which he repeatedly used the phrase, "What this country needs...." Although Marshall may have spoken the words, the remark, however, appears well before 1905. The Yale Book of Quotations cites the Hartford Courant of September 22, 1875: "What this country really needs is a good five cent cigar - New York Mail. Marshall was a fan of contemporary newspaper cartoonist Kin Hubbard who had his "Abe Martin" character say them.
John E. Brown, Woodrow Wilson's Vice President: Thomas R. Marshall and the Wilson Administration, 1913-1921, (PhD. dissertation, Ball State University, 1970), p. 216.
Jeffrey Graf, What This Country Needs is a Really Good 5-Cent Cigar,Herman B Wells Library Indiana University Bloomington
Misattributed
Source: http://www.indiana.edu/~librcsd/internet/extra/cigar.html What This Country Needs is a Really Good 5-Cent Cigar

“And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”
The Betrothed, Stanza 25.
Departmental Ditties and other Verses (1886)
Variant: And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.

Reported in Jacob Morton Braude, Complete Speaker's and Toastmaster's Library: Remarks of famous people (1965), p. 53.

My Mother Smokes Crack Rocks
Lyrics, Solo
Variant: "I smoke my crack pipe everyday / I have a good time at it / I jack my mother for dope money / I do it by threatening her life with a semi-automatic" - I Smoke Weed

I never said that.
Interview with Roger Ebert in Esquire magazine (7 March 1972); more on this at Snopes.com: "I Love My Cigar" http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/grouchocigar.asp

Last words, as quoted in John Gibson Lockhart Memoirs of the life of Sir Walter Scott, Bart, Vol. VII (1838), p. 294