“Oh, and for the benefit of those people who think I haven't been English enough in my recent articles: Bum bollocks tosser cor blimey guvnor eccles cakes apples and pears god save the queen fish and chips I hate yanks etc.”

“Some people say
That I am out of my tree
Or just a strawberry fool
Someday they'll see
Till then I'll blow you a raspberry
'Cos apples and pears are me”

“An apple resists being eaten. An apple is not eaten, it is conquered. The crunchiness of a pear is far more appealing. It is giving and fragile. To eat a pear is akin to … kissing.”

“(Cat in bed) The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago recently identified a new species of fish…virtually extinct in the wild, and they haven't even named it yet. I dreamt I ate it.”

“I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great”

“Oh, my God, I miss those things”

“Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It's American as apple pie.”

“It's like catching a fish, you know what I mean? It's the fish that's beautiful, not the fisherman. And I think whoever hasn't understood that attitude in Queens is not here any more. And if I ever think the fisherman's better than the fish, I hope someone fuckin' fires me too.”

“I haven't done enough. I don't have solar panels on my house yet. I haven't sorted out the heating, my car's not a Prius, I f---ing fly all the time for my job and I hate it but at the moment I haven't really got a choice, you know, and all these things. The job I'm in is a job that wastes energy left, right and centre. It's madness.”

“Oh how I hate people!”