“My mom used to give me messages like this: "Ummmmmmm… Scott called… IS HE THE GAY??!!" "Well, God, mom, I don't know if he's the gay… that's a lot of pressure on just one guy. He has to do the parade all by himself! 'I'm here! I'm queer!… I guess I'm the only one.'"”

“I was like, Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized… I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?”

“A guy called up, and in his lead, he said, "We've talked before. I used to be with US but now I'm for SELF." And I was like, "I guess we know everything now, don't we?" … I kind of laughed and I went, "I guess a lot of people are like that." And he paused and went, "Uhhh… what?"”

“I did a piece about four years ago about coming out. Telling my parents that I'm gay. It occurred to me that my parents have known for years that I'm gay. I'm sure of it. They have never told me; they have never needed to tell me. In some ways I will never be gay to them. And they would prefer that I never use that word with them. They know the man that I have been closest to. They also know that he's godfather to two of my nephews. They invite him to Christmas dinner. They know he's part of my life. When he had the flu this Christmas they knew I had to leave early, and no one protested. Will he ever be introduced as my lover? No”

“I'm not russian! just wanted to drop in and say hi. also, I wanted to clear up the fact that i'm not half Russian. I don't know where people get their facts (probably on the internet, where rumor might as well be fact, hahaha). But I'm half japanese and half…american, I guess. my mom's family is a mix of a ton of different things. a lot of it is European, and there's a little native American in there. But that side of my family has been in the US forever, so i just call it American to keep it simple.”

“I knew the minute I heard the "gay inhale". He literally goes "Diva, what are you doing here?". It was heaven! I found my gay, even in Kandahar, Afghanistan! He plonks down next to me, puts the tray down, puts his gun down… he's like "Errghh, girl, I'm on graveyard tonight… I am a wreck… I'm exhausted… my roommates are all snoring, yee-ukk, they're pigs! Anyway, what's going on with Ben and J-Lo?"”

“Look," Percy continued, "I know I'm new here. I know you guys don't like to mention the massacre in the nineteen eighties-"
"He mentioned it!" one of the ghosts whimpered.”

“I'm not a poster boy for good behavior and recovery in Hollywood, I'm just a guy who knows he has a lot to be grateful for.”

“I'm very embarrassing to look at. You know why? Here's why I'm embarrassing: 'cause there's a little bit of me in everybody… I'm like the boy that never grew up. I'm very, very passionate about what I do. I mean, I love what I do…. and people are like "God, give this guy a valium or something, you know? Can't he have a bad day?"”

“So now I'm thinking about it. I'm imagining sitting down with my parents and actually saying, "I'm gay." And you know what? It makes me a little mad. I mean, straight guys don't have to sit their parents down and tell them they like girls.”